Southern Hospitality Warnings
issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to
ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites

1)  Don't order filet mignon at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they just might kick your ass.

2)  Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These people have been known to kick a man's ass for less.

3)  Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else-it's still a Coke. Just accept it.

4)  Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the Big 12, SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Fla. State, Clemson, etc.) All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play wussy teams like Oregon. We'll kick their ass, too.

5)  Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we can still kick your ass.

6)  Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7)  We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8)  Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.

9)  Spare us your drivel about gun control. We are smart enough to understand that guns are just inanimate objects, and human evil is responsible for violent crime. If you blather on about guns causing crime, we will send you to one of our prisons so you can learn about human nature first hand. In this particular case, however, we will NOT kick your ass. It's going to be sore enough once you're introduced to "shower love" by the sweet harmless inmates. (Who says Southerners aren't considerate?)

10)  Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

11)  We don't care if you think hunting and meat-eating is barbaric. We live closer to nature and understand the real world far better than you. If you think real woodland creatures behave like you see in those silly Disney movies, we will be glad to send you to the forest so the wildlife can kick some education into your ignorant ass.

12)  Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, New York, and DC, and have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before we kick it.

13)  Don't preach any holier-than-thou crap about racism, or we'll just repeat the words "Howard Beach" and "Rodney King LA riots" while we kick your ass.

14)  We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass.

15)  We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.

16)  Don't laugh at us because we like NASCAR. Watching NASCAR may be low-brow, but it still beats the hell out of degenerate coffee-house movies about effeminate girly-guys swapping lipstick. By the way, criticize our chicory coffee & we gonna kick your ass.

17)  Don't complain that the south is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about our scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way into Boston Harbor and watch you dissolve.

18)  Shut the hell up about our southern foods. If quiche, tofu, and sparkling water are so great, why the hell do all of you pale, scrawny wimps look like you have one foot stuck in your graves? Get between us and our dinner plates, and we'll kick your weak pasty little ass.

19)  Don't ridicule our southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to women because those things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick manners into your ass like they did to us.

20)  You think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in suburbs or the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our lawns and fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

21)  Don't call us uneducated. We're smart enough to know Oliver Stone movies are just paranoid, drug-induced revisionist fantasies. Try telling us that demented garbage like "Natural Born Killers" is a deep piece of cinema relevant to the American condition and watch how fast we kick your ass.

22)  Don't call us mindless and backwards. We're not the idiots who worship fat-cat Kennedys and European royalty, and sorry, but we just didn't feel like collapsing into weeping hysteria over Diana and John-John. We reserve our respect for people who actually earn their own way in life, instead of marrying money or being born rich. Your criticism doesn't count because you're fools, and it's easy and fun to kick a fool's ass.

23)  Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.

Any questions?

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